It's 11:50 now and I am not sleeping but writing this blog..Interestingly I was about to sleep an hour ago but then I started watching Sex and the City. What I thought I would watch for 5 mins turned out to be for 30 mins. There was something really interesting about the show today: it was about Carrie's and Mr.Big's relationship. I learnt 2 new terms today : S/M relationship and La Douleur Exquise! Now S/M relationship meant : a sadist/masochist relationship where in the guy inflicts pain all the time(sadist) and the gal accepts the pain, the punishment from him(masochist). La Douleur Exquise meant: The pain of loving someone that you know you can never have; by circumstance or subjective decision. In simple words its the exquisite pain of loving someone unattainable. These 2 things got me into thinking about how many Indian woman go through this in their day to day life. Since I have seen a lot of it, I thought would write a blog on what I feel about this.
I’m sure like me, thousands of women all over the world asked themselves the same question after watching the episode “La Douleur Exquise!” off Sex and the City’s Season Two Episode 12: Do we really think a relationship has to be hard work to be successful? Yeah..at least I believe that anything requires hard work..but how much..is there a limit??? Nowadays, so many women stay in relationships which are abusive or somewhat destructive, and for what? Why do we women feel the need to put ourselves through it? Now trust me if I am writing this ..means I have really seen it happening...A number of women may end up with a few cuts and bruises or a scratch here and there and worst she has to come up with reason to hide it from the rest of the world. Emotional and psychological abuse happens in a lot of relationships, except this type of abuse is a more subtle form of violence. This can include telling her she is useless, stupid,telling her she is a hopeless mother/housewife/daughter/girlfriend/sister, making threats against her, keeping her isolated from friends or family, and making distorted ‘justifications’ for the abuse to make her feel it is her fault and that she deserves it.
Thinking about all these I thought to myself WHY? May be coz' it is not an easy choice to give up on or stop loving someone, especially if you have committed your life to them. At least I would feel like that, if i love someone and am totally committed to him. Many women would also have children by these men, which can also be a factor as to why they stay. In our culture, women are regarded as responsible for the balance of family life. When things have gone wrong, women fear that it will be seen as their fault and will often see the failure as their own. Interestingly we women ourselves will come up with reasons as to why we stay.
Reason one. ‘Being hopeful!’ The woman will begin to believe that love conquers all and will not leave since she is still in love with him. She may believe that the violence and control is not really her partner’s true nature and that she has a special bond with her partner, to which she will never find with anyone else. The woman may think she can help her partner over come this and she may refuse to leave, as it may be seen as she has failed. Then comes total denial. She will stay as she wants her relationship to go back to the way it used to be and believes the abuse is not all that bad.
Reason two. ‘Afraid of being alone!’ She is used to life with her partner and does not want any change. She believes she will never find any one better and she does not want to raise her children alone. All her confidence has gone and she feels mentally beaten down and that she can not make it on her own. Again, in total denial and so she will think she needs him.
Reason three. ‘Sense of responsibility!’ She feels she owes it to her partner, as a good woman stands by her man. She refuses to give up, as she cannot bear the responsibility of the relationship failing. It is partly her fault, she feels the responsibility is hers for her partner’s behavior and finally, again total denial, She can’t leave him, as he is not well and so needs her.
But some women seem all ready to forgive men. They are willing to pretend to themselves that they do not care about certain behaviors. They believe in second chances. Then the third, forth and fifth ones. These women gradually become immune to the negative behaviors of men, to the point where it is acceptable. But why all these?? : coz' they cannot imagine being on their own??? very well possible...or do they think something similar to what my mom brought me up with: ' anything that happens..happens for good'. Is this why they stay together??? I really don't know the answer..but I do know its wise not to stick in a relation when you realize its going beyond conrol. This is not a fairy tale to think that no matter what the guy does we can live happily ever after with him...its time to wake up. Time to know when Enough is Enough. These are few quotes from that episode, I liked : "Recognise when the growing pains stop in your relationship and when the pain pains take over. We are being masochists, not optimists if we continue to walk this line in a relationship. We are the sadists if we tie ourselves to these destructive relationships, even though our partner has the whip. So untie yourself. There may not be anything exquisite about it, but at least you’ll be free."
P.S I know its such a sentimental and emotional blog I wrote today...Donno may be coz' I could relate to what I saw in my life, that I thought I should write something for those ladies..the ladies who are brought up with a culture that one should stick with a person no matter how bad he treats u and accept to live with it for the rest of her life..But do we have to?? Whats right and whats wrong??? I just hope I can find an answer to this question one day!!! Perspectives differ, people differ and so do I in my thoughts from others..Thanks for reading this looooong blog!!!
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